My Personal Rebellion

I was born and raised in the US, but I grew up in an Indian, Hindu family with immigrant parents. I felt a lot of tension in my childhood due to that, and I feel like a lot of Asian-American friends can relate.

We didn’t exactly struggle; my brothers and I attended a fairly good private school, and we had access to a lot of opportunities growing up. My parents made a crapload of sacrifices to come here with virtually nothing, raise 3 boys back-to-back, and create a life where we could thrive. And I am eternally grateful for all of that.

At the same time, it felt very isolating. There were a lot of expectations that came from that upbringing, whether it meant having respectable hobbies, good grades, admission to the fanciest schools, or the best jobs. And I’d like to think that I checked a lot of those boxes. But no matter how well I did, I always felt like I was coming up a little short. I felt like I was born of two worlds but belonged to neither.

My goal that writing this will help me in making sense of that relationship, as well as serve the rest of the Indian-American diaspora with this sense of internal conflict.

The Early Days

In my early childhood, we would celebrate Christmas, and then one year, we just stopped. And I never truly understood why until recently (while my parents valued assimilation, they didn’t want it at the expense of our own religion and culture).

I grew up with a different skin color, different holidays, a different diet; the list could go on and on. And despite going to a school that prided itself on diversity, I could count the number of Hindu kids in my class on one hand.

I attended Sunday school every weekend. Though I was always in conflict with it; because I felt like it was forced on me, I never really enjoyed it. And as a result, and I put in the bare minimum of effort and didn’t really try to connect with the other kids there. I actively rejected the culture and religion, which served to isolate me from it further. Looking back, it’s kind of ironic to realize how much of a self-fulfilling prophecy that was.

Fast Forward

I’ve lived away from home for 10 years now. And despite having all that time to “assimilate”, I would still find myself at odds with my culture at times. I’m still vegetarian, wear Hindu holy symbols, and still have mostly South Asian friends. On the flipside, in the last year, I’ve grown out my hair, gotten a tattoo, and done a few other things that I’d prefer not to publicly broadcast on a professional blog.

There was a part of me that was afraid of going back to the homeland. I never really learned Hindi, and when I’d practice, I’d remember a few people mocking my pronunciation. So whenever I went, I’d feel even more isolated and captive.

And that was also somewhat reflected in my choice of friends and dates. As biased as it is, I’ve always felt less connected to Indians who grew up in India as opposed to growing up in the US, including my own extended family.

Relationships and Religion

At the age of 28, the topic of romantic partners and marriage has been coming up quite a lot with my parents lately. While I don’t generally restrict myself when it comes to race or religion, my parents really, really want me to bring home a Hindu girl. To the point that I have accounts on 3 different Indian dating apps (Side note: the User Experience on all 3 of those apps is absolutely terrible).

More broadly, Hinduism and Islam have been at odds for a long time. I’ll be honest: as a Hindu, I have my biases in that conflict. But I’m not here to denounce anyone.

Spending time away from home and on the west coast has made me a lot more open-minded and curious to the possibilities. At the same time, bringing home a Muslim girl would introduce a lot of tension in my family’s community.

I will admit, there is a lot of value and merit to being with someone who has a similar cultural upbringing to me. I just don’t want it to feel forced or even fetishized.

Parting Thoughts

A lot of people go through a rebellious phase in their teenage years. I feel like my rebellious phase came 10 years later than most. I’ve used my upbringing as a scapegoat for my issues for a very long time, and it solved nothing.

When I let my spite for my culture drive me, it still controls me in an ironic way. If I’m to live my fullest life, then I ought to make decisions for myself rather than for/against anything or anyone else. Yes, some choices will align with Hinduism and my parents’ expectations, and some choices will not. While my culture and religion are and always will be a part of me, they do not define me.

Instead, I choose to own the decisions that make me who I am, for better or worse. I’m determined to set my own goals and expectations for myself, and live my life on my terms.

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What I wish I knew when applying for college

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The Power of Commitment